I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Randomize
