Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Randomize
