I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Randomize
