I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Randomize
