Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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