so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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