Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
