I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
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