You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
