You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
