i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
