8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
