Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
