I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
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