it wasn't lemon gatorade
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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