My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
