I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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