I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
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