Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
