i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Randomize
