The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
