The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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