I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Randomize
