i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
