Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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