Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
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