I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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