between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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