just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
