Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize