I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Randomize
