Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Randomize
