my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Randomize
