I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
