I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
