I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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