Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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