I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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