He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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