you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Randomize