Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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