I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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