Hey man sorry I got all grabby
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
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