It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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