our cab driver is having phone sex.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
We don't watch enough power rangers
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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