You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize
