party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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