I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
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