and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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