I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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