Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
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