We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
dude i'm inner monologue high
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Randomize
