Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Found the puke drawer
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
