My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
