I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Sext me about skeletons
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
