I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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