you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
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