I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
