He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
