I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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