I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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